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[Nathan Miodrass Asillion]

((OOC: This topic is private between Nathan Miodrass Asillion and Master Monifa.))

Nathan had made an appointment with Master Monifa. He hadn't spoken to her often and had no idea what to expect from her. He had heard she was very traditional as a Jedi Master, which caused him some concern. He was well aware his views on the Force were unorthodox at the very least.

After several years of jedi training, Nathan had yet to shake most of his military mannerisms. And as these dictated he arrived at Master Monifas door precisely on time.

Pushing the bell, he stood at attention. Waiting for her to permit him to enter.

[Jedi Master Monifa]

Monifa was in one of the class rooms, and a swarm of younglings flowed out of the classroom when the doors opened. Some of them respectfully greeting Nathan, others visibly be intimidated by his large metal appearance.

"Greetings, Padawan Nathan, you wished to talk with me? Please speak your mind," Monifa said when all the younglings left.

[Nathan Miodrass Asillion]

Nathan quickly sidestepped so the younglings wouldn't bump into him. He nodded to the ones who greeted him. He ignored the rest, having gotten used to the reaction.

Entering the classroom, he bowed respectfully. "Master." He greeted. With his feet apart and his hands behind his back, Nathan stood at ease. He took a deep breath, then he started talking.

"Master, I was looking for your advice. I have, recently, been getting the impression I may not be worthy of being a Jedi. I have spoken to Master Leithor about this and have meditated on it, but have been unable to put my mind to rest."

[Jedi Master Monifa]

Master Monifa sat down on one of the tables, listening to Nathan.

"And why do have the impression that you are not worthy of being a Jedi?"

[Nathan Miodrass Asillion]

"I..." Nathan started, but stopped himself. "On a recent mission, I was told my philosophy was that of a soldier and that, to become a jedi, I would first need to stop being a soldier.

But being a soldier, a marine... It's all I know how to do. I keep making mistakes because of it. I keep choosing to be suspicious instead of trusting, keep choosing seeing threats instead of lives."

He paused a moment.

"Even here at the temple, my first instinct when I walk into a room is to look for possible exits, where best to take cover, what can be used as a weapon. I know that isn't the jedi way and I have tried to change, but what if I can't change?"

[Jedi Master Monifa]

Master Monifa listened closely to Nathan his story.

"Change, or don't change. There is no trying to change.

But I sense there is more to your story. I feel there is something you are not telling me, maybe you are not even telling it yourself. Can you say what it is?"

[Nathan Miodrass Asillion]

"I'm not sure." Nathan answered. "I've always been able to rely on my military and intelligence training to resolve situations, but I found that it doesn't work as often as it used to."

"And I've lost my confidence in myself. Though I am unsure why."

Nathan looked Master Monifa in the eyes.

"Master, I do not desire power, but why do I feel so powerless?"

[Jedi Master Monifa]

"Having power, and desire power are two entirely different things. Often those who desire power never have the power to fulfil their desires, while those who have power don't have the desires to make full use of their power.

It is common for padawan to feel powerless. The biggest growth for a Jedi normally is when they are padawan. In that time they learn that they can accomplish many great things. But having the ability to actually change the world can also make you feel very small. There are too many worlds to change, too many people to teach. Some padawan want to change the whole universe, but that, they cannot do."

"Passion, yet serenity." She quoted the code.

"This knowledge, that you can make a difference, but at the same time cannot be there to make a difference is paralysing. To many worlds to change, to little time, to many people to talk to. The universe is in constant movement. As a Jedi, you must find your way in this turbulence. Learn to let the force guide you to where you are most needed."

"Chaos, yet harmony." She quoted again.

"Nathan, your world has been turned around many times, what do you think a soldier does, and why did you become one?"

[Nathan Miodrass Asillion]

Nathan wasn't a big fan of of the Jedi Code. He preferred his philosophies less cryptic. But he would never say that directly. Nor would he openly disagree with a Jedi Master, even though he strongly disagreed with some of the things Master Monifa just said.

He thought about his answer for a moment to Master Monifa's question.

"A soldier is a shield. A shield that is placed between the innocent and the ones that wish to harm those innocents, by any means necessary. Someone willing to become a monster, to fight the other monsters. Willing to lay down their lives so that those innocents don't have to become monsters.

And that is the reason I became a soldier."

One more thought flashed through Nathans mind. A whisper escaped him, barely audible, before he could stop it.

"Because that is the only way I can fulfil my promise."

[Jedi Master Monifa]

"A promise you say?" Monifa didn't actually sounded too surprised. She kept looking at Nathan without saying anything, waiting for Nathan to tell more.

[Nathan Miodrass Asillion]

Nathan cursed himself for his loose tongue. Even though he didn't have one.

He hesitated for a while.

"I'm sorry, master, but that is... private."

[Jedi Master Monifa]

"Nathan, it pains me to see you're hurting yourself like this. You know you can trust me and say anything. If there is something important I do not know then I cannot truly help you, but I will wait till you are ready to tell what it is."

The master paused a moment before to continue:

"Back to being a soldier: I agree that a soldier is to help and to protect the innocent. But that does not mean that a soldier is a monster. And you definitely don't need a monster to fight one. A monster will not lay down its life to protect the innocent, a monster will not care about the innocent."

A strange curious expression appears on Monifa her face when she asks: "What do you think a Jedi does, and why do you train to become one?"

[Nathan Miodrass Asillion]

"It's not personal, master. I haven't told it to anyone." Nathan said in full honesty.

"For a long time I believed Jedi were much the same as soldiers. Even after I became a Jedi I still believed this. It was only recently I have begun to understand there is a difference. Though I find it hard to say exactly what that difference is."

Nathan looked at his hand.

"I became a Jedi for the same reason I became a soldier. But if that reason allows me to kill a thousand people to save a million, does that reason really allow me to be a Jedi? I would not hesitate for a single second to sacrifice any number of people to save even just one more person then sacrificed. Is that something a Jedi would do?"

[Jedi Master Monifa]

"On basic principle, a Jedi is very much like a soldier yes. A jedi protects the weak and innocent against the strong and malicious, just like a soldier. A soldier serves and protects people he does not know because a soldier wants to do what is right. But a Jedi does much more than that. A Jedi counsels where an impartial party is requested, a Jedi advices and helps there were people requires guidances to progress. Fighting is only a last resort, when all other means have failed and the taking of a live is a great responsibility a Jedi must not take lightly.

It appears you believed yourself to be a monster during your time as a soldier. And yet you believed there was something in you which could become a Jedi. So the question is: Do you still see yourself as a monster?"

[Nathan Miodrass Asillion]

"I..." Nathan started, but then stopped. He was quiet for a while.

"I don't know..." He sounded lost.

"I'm grateful I got the chance to become a Jedi, but how do I know if what I do is right or wrong when I no longer know which is which?"

[Jedi Master Monifa]

"Nathan, when I look at you, I don't see a monster, I see a being who cares for others and who wants to do what is right. Someone like that cannot be a monster.

Just like there are many kinds of people, there are many kinds of Jedi. Some Jedi like to be in the outdoors, while others prefer the company of people. Some like to teach people and let them make their own decisions while others prefer to take matter in own hands.

Nathan, I believe your problem has several layers of causes. You want to do good, but don't trust yourself with doing it. Let's go to the first time you stopped trusting yourself. I think the first time you didn't trust yourself was either the accident with your mother or when you were related to the murder of a young woman. Am I right?”

[Nathan Miodrass Asillion]

"Yes." Nathan answered, though he didn't specify which was right.

"Master, how do you regain trust in yourself?"

[Jedi Master Monifa]

"There are many ways to regain trust in yourself," Monifa said kindly, "with time, you can learn to trust yourself. Some people look at how often they are right and how often they are wrong and base their trust on that. Myself, I trust in the force to guide my actions."

"For you however, I think there is something else. Nathan you have a black spot in your past and I feel that you let that black spot control your current life. From your promise, to your choice to become Jedi, to yourself being afraid to put faith in yourself.

It is important to learn to let go of the past, to focus on what is and what is to come."

[Nathan Miodrass Asillion]

Nathan didn't move or react. At all. For a moment he stood there like a statue.

"My past made me who I am. Letting go of it means letting go of what makes me me. I would be denying my own existence. That would be the same as committing suicide and I refuse to take such a cowardly action.

I am not controlled by anything other then my own free will, master. Not even the Force will change that." His tone was harsh. He wasn't happy with the assumptions Master Monifa made.

[Jedi Master Monifa]

"Have I touched something sensitive?" Monifa asked like she didn't expect an answer.

"You want to let go of your solder attitude and yet you do not want to let go of your soldier attitude. You want to stop being afraid and yet you do not want to stop being afraid, you want to become a Jedi and yet you do not want to become a Jedi. Letting go, and forfeiting, your past are two different things.

You won't suddenly be reset, become someone else or die. However, you will be able to move forward and focus on what you want to become.

Nathan, you must train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose, or your fear will lead you to the dark side."

[Nathan Miodrass Asillion]

"With all due respect, master." Nathan started.

"But I would appreciate it if you didn't assume to know me. I'm not afraid, not of my past, not of letting go and not of losing anything. I did not come here to have my past nitpicked. Nor to have my motives questioned. I came here for advice. I came here to find out if the Goddesses made a mistake giving me their power."

[Jedi Master Monifa]

((OOC: sorry for the long delay before to post again. First I had to rethink my post, then I had little time))

Master Monifa her expression and voice turned more stern after Nathan his say: "The gift of the force is yours Nathan, and it is up to you how to use it. You came for advice, I gave you that. Consider my words, meditate on them before dismissing them. Or is there another part you wish to discuss?"

[Nathan Miodrass Asillion]

"No master." Nathan replied, then bowed. "Thank you."

"A good day to you master."

Nathan bowed again, then turned around and left.